By Barbara C. Burt, PsyD, Program Chair, College of Social and Behavioral Sciences, University of Phoenix
Holidays invite us to gather with family, friends, colleagues, and our wider community, and in those moments the past and present mingle in a way that feels almost ceremonial. Memories surface, traditions echo, and the feelings we’ve built with one another spill easily into the room. Each relationship carries its own history, its own rhythm, its own way of expressing affection—and naturally, that means we feel different pulls around the kinds of gifts we give.
Gifts become little symbols of these connections: tokens of care, belonging, reciprocity, and sometimes, if we’re honest, obligation. When the symbolism gets tangled, the simple act of giving can start to feel heavy. People may stretch themselves financially, feel emotionally boxed in, or walk away quietly disappointed. That’s why boundary-setting isn’t cold or ungenerous; it’s the opposite.
Clear, kind boundaries keep the meaning of gift-giving intact. They protect your resources—money, time, emotional energy—and they create space for others to do the same. In the end, boundaries guard the warmth of the season, making sure the joy in the room is fueled by genuine connection rather than unspoken pressure.
Five tips for setting holiday gift-giving boundaries
1. Lead with warmth and meaning when you set the boundary
Why it works: Boundaries land best when people can feel the heart behind them. If you start by affirming connection—what you value about the relationship, what you cherish about the season—the limit you set feels like an act of care rather than restriction.
How to do it: Begin with something genuine: “I love celebrating with you, and the part I treasure most is our time together.” Then add your boundary: “So I’m keeping gifts simple this year.” Anchoring the limit in affection softens the edges and keeps the emotional tone warm.
2. Name your limits early, before expectations button themselves into place
Why it works: People are more flexible before plans, habits, and assumptions solidify. Early transparency keeps anyone from feeling blindsided or disappointed later.
How to do it: Mention your approach casually but clearly in conversation or group planning chats. A simple, “Just a heads-up—I’m doing small or no gifts this year,” gives others plenty of room to adapt.
3. Offer a clear alternative so the boundary feels like a doorway, not a wall
Why it works: Humans handle boundaries better when they don’t feel like the celebration is being shut down. An alternative keeps the sense of connection alive while easing pressure.
How to do it: Suggest a gift exchange, a spending cap, homemade treats, shared experiences, or pooling donations for a cause. The pivot keeps things collaborative.
4. Gently separate financial limits from emotional value
Why it works: People can take limits personally unless you help untangle “less money” from “less love.” Naming the difference preserves closeness and prevents misinterpretation.
How to do it: Say something like, “I’m simplifying gifts, but that doesn’t reflect how much I care.” You’re protecting both your budget and your relationships.
5. Don’t over-explain—repeat your boundary with steady kindness
Why it works: Too much explanation can sound defensive and invites debate. A calm, concise boundary shows that it’s thoughtful and settled.
How to do it: If someone pushes back, hold your ground gently: “Thanks for understanding, but I’m sticking with simple gifts this year.” Repetition without tension is your quiet anchor.
About the Author:
Barbara C. Burt, Psy.D., is Program Chair of Master of Science in Counseling/Marriage, Family and Child Therapy at the University of Phoenix College of Social and Behavioral Sciences. A licensed psychologist, Burt has advanced training in trauma-focused interventions includes EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and Accelerated Resolution Therapy (A.R.T.). She serves as a clinical supervisor to new therapists and previously served on the board of directors of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. Burt holds a doctorate in psychology from Southern California Seminary and a master’s degree in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling from University of La Verne. She is co-author of a recent University of Phoenix white paper, “Trauma-Informed Education – A Pathway for Relief, Retention, and Renewal.”
